We had a talk the day after and she couldn't be with someone her age who never has been in a relationship or a virgin of that matter. I know it's only 1 persons view but that really dented my confidence since then and haven't even tried to do anything since. And every little thing that people have said in this thread is what always keeps coming up in mind mind that they will worry about with me. And also not forgetting I guess it only gets worse with age, the main problem is getting depressed and cynical which doesn't help the case.
Yeah I feel you. I'm still young being 20 and all, but I still fret a lot. I just hugged a girl I was romantically interested in the for the first time on our 2nd date. When I say nervous, I mean fucking nervous. Haven't even reached kissing yet because that's foreign to me, and sex will be interesting if I reach that point. Ha, I remember when I started dating and this one girl said she didn't want the pressure of being my first girlfriend. We were like 18 at the time, so I didn't think not having any prior experience would actually hurt my chances.
If someone asked me why it hadn't happened yet I'd probably start shut down into full self hate mode. My immediate thought if someone were to tell my I was attractive hasn't happened unless you count my therapist and my mother would probably be that they're either pitying me or trying to play me. So if someone asked my why I've never been in a relationship I'd probably respond with something like "Because I'm an ugly depressed Aspergersridden worthless shit. I'm a dude who met his first girlfriend at 21 she had experience, I did not.
Everything happened very fast and we fall hard for each other. Of course the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever, and there is work to do, but if you're determined to be your best and admit mistakes because you will make them and your girl is accepting, you'll make it.
Don't let yourself succumb to anger, keep a clear head, don't fall into resentment, and communicate everything. A lot of how you and your actions are perceived is colored by the stereotype that someone bins you in. Even the kindest people can't help this effect to some degree. So you told her you've never had a girlfriend. Now, if you do something that could be perceived as clingy, it is more likely to be perceived that way.
If I couldn't be honest with someone about telling them about my lack of relationship experience because I was too concerned they find some incompatible flaw, or think I was someone clingy or immature, then I likely shouldn't have been dating that person in the first place. I understand what you're saying, but for me personally I feel better and feel I can be a better partner by being honest about things. Also, it'll help you be in healthy relationships with honest communication, no deception, and no stress of having to remember which lies were told. I'm sure you already know that, though.
Haha, reading this just echoed the whole idea of job experience. How can you get an entry level job if one of the requirements is job experience? I guess the same goes for being in a relationship. I guess the window for having your first relationship starts to close as you get older. I know it is really hard, but try your best not to freak out about all the things you don't yet know. For you, be up-front about the fact that you WILL probably make mistakes, and that you are worried to do so.
This way, when one of your mistakes causes a misunderstanding, it will be easier to clear up, and it will also be easier for you both to learn from. Being too terrified to do anything is ALSO a mistake. Unfortunately IRL as an adult, there's no neutral option; you don't get to, like, save the game, freeze time, and do nothing. I've only just realized this myself, and man was I pissed for a while! Everything you do or don't do has consequences and can be a mistake.
We all make tons of mistakes! In time, you'll see it's about choosing little mistakes over big, and about reacting to mistakes that life's all about, not doing things perfectly the first time through. I think many if not most adult women will realize this. We were all beginners once.
Worst-case scenario, you trash a few relationships out of inexperience before you hit the right one. We've all done that. It will be okay. Tell yourself it's not a failure, it was a learning experience, and one that will make one of your future relationships successful. I didn't have time to worry at all as he never came across as inexperienced, nor did he do any stupid relationship BS, so I forgot he didn't have girlfriends before me.
Actually treated me better why I married him than all the other guys I dated. He is mature in personality and had his life shit together. Latter probably the key factor. I'm staring to think that there are two different skill sets, one for dating and another for relationships, which are similar but vastly different. Like marathon running and sprinting, just because a guy didn't win all these little sprints doesn't mean he cannot run the distance. Scientists have even shown that the attraction two people feel when they start dating is not the same feeling as the attraction that keeps married couples together.
I'm marrying that guy too! He was 28 with no relationship the main reason he was still a bachelor was he just took some time to mature and find himself.
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There was nothing wrong with him. We all progress through life at different speeds. I'm going to be worried that he won't understand up front how much work relationships are. Having had past relationships is generally just plain good for practice at communication and figuring out your own preferences and hangups. You mean, they think low maintenance is a good quality and desire that, but end up thinking any work at all is too high maintenance?
If so, I've had that exact experience before. It's a very long story, but essentially I pursued him and he eventually "gave in" and decided I was worth being with. He was used to being single and having a ton of time, changing and making plans last minute, etc.
It wasn't exactly the most healthy relationship, I'm very glad it's over now. Yeah, I was in a long distance relationship miles is a long way! He didn't agree and to back this up he told me that his parents didn't see each other the whole time they were engaged because his dad was oversees for the military, except they had dated for five years before they got engaged, much different from being 6 months in. He ended up dumping me: It definitely isn't a bad thing, I'm in a high-maintenance relationship myself. But I'm not sure a low-maintenance relationship is necessarily bad, even in the long-term, it might just suit some people better than others.
My boyfriend and I live together, see eachother nearly every day, always make dinner together, talk, vacation together.. It's not a lot of work except for the two or three times a year we bicker about housework or something. I guess it could be seen as a lot of work because you put effort and time into each other but again I don't see that as a bad thing.
I'd been in shorter, two-month relationships before, but I'm now in my first relationship that has lasted a year so far. I had no idea how much work would need to go into the relationship to keep things going well and happy, and I've learned a ton about myself, my communication styles, and the things that I need from a partner. If he is compassionate I don't think compromise would be that big of a problem. Communication on the other hand is a problem most of us guys face regardless of how many past relationships we've had. I mentioned compromise because my sister, though a nice person, is so used to being single that she has trouble adjusting to having other people play a larger role in her life when she does try to date.
I could see that being an issue for many people who just aren't used to having someone else influence what they do. I'm terrified of this myself. I've been single my whole life not for lack of opportunities , and I'm so used to doing whatever I want whenever I want that I'm frightened I'll cause far too much dissonance in a relationship and not even realize I'm doing something wrong.
That's true but I find it correlates with dating experience. Like if the guy doesn't have a lot of dating experience, I find those types of guys to be a little more open minded and willing to do better as long as you verbally communicate to them what you want or when you're upset. I mean there will be some ups and downs where he might lack some relationship common sense but he'll put the effort to do better the next time. I find the guys who have a lot of dating experience but hardly any long term ones to be the worrisome ones I've learned this the hard way.
They're much more likely to just walk away over something easily fixable because "shouldn't it just work". Yeah, I mean, there's things called compromise and communication you should probably try first.
Dating a guy who's never had a girlfriend
I've also seen people give up too quickly because they aren't all that committed to the relationship, because they can always find someone else. And you don't think he'd be able to learn this from friendships, or family relationships? Those are work too and those require communication as well. Romantic relationships are often idealized so heavily in media that a lot of people think if it's work, it isn't working. Plus, the type and depth of communication in romantic partnerships is often very different than what people do in friendships.
So no, I don't think family and friendships are always good enough substitutes in terms of learning how to put effort into maintaining a relationship. I would feel much better dating a guy who had solid, long-lasting family and friend relationships, but hasn't had any long-term girlfriends, than one who has a whole string of failed romantic relationships or crappy family and friend relationships.
Romantic relationships are different, but not that different. I'm not saying having solid relationships with family or friends isn't useful, important, or a good thing - I'm just saying that they don't totally alleviate the concerns I listed above, for me. That's not what that person is saying. They're saying that the type of effort put into family and friend relationships is vastly different from the experience of a romantic relationship. No, I don't think so. Romantic relationships are just so much more work. If he came into it expecting only to put as much work as he put into his friendships I thought the same way before my first relationship, then crashed and burned it.
Second one is going much better, in part because of the benefit of that experience. Maybe I'm biased, because I'm with the man who was my first relationship - and I was his - and we've been happily married for going on 12 years. I know that it's possible to make it work even if you haven't dated a bunch of other people first. It's possible, but it's harder. I'm my SO's first serious relationship and we've had to have MANY talks on communicating effectively and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Serious, long-lasting relationships require maintenance every once in a while. We've had those talks too Every relationship needs check-ups like that! Clearly that's not what I meant, but I'll extrapolate for you anyhow: I've had a substantial amount of conversations with my current SO about just exactly how serious, long term relationships work and need maintenance now and then.
I've had FAR more of these conversations with my current SO as compared to the even longer relationship I had with someone who'd already participated in a serious, long term relationship. To put it simply, for those of us who have had multiple long term relationships, the difference is noticeable but not particularly bothersome if the SO is genuinely inexperienced. Ditto, my marriage is similar. I remember about a year into dating having to put a lot of work into that.
But even without personal experience, we both came in with an expectation that this would take work, and be worth it. It might make a difference that we had really good role models; we both have parents with very healthy marriages. Disposition might play a role as well. I'm sure people have a whole range of experiences here.
Our situation is similar - both of our parents have healthy marriages and have been married for nearly 40 years now. And we didn't expect a fairy tale; we expected it to be work. You will always have to learn how to make things work with a partner, whether they're your first or your twenty-first, because they're still their own person and different from anyone else you've been with. As someone who's approaching middle age and has never been in a relationship, I just don't get where this stereotype comes from. I mean, sure, someone like me may be inexperienced and not understand some of the more subtle rules of making a relationship work, but anyone with half a brain who hang out with people in relationships will learn soon enough that they require work.
Inexperience doesnt always equal there's a big hidden problem. Ive known people who just havent met the right person and didnt want to date around just to date. There are plenty of people who have dated and are trainwrecks who never learn that are more cause for concern I think. In all relationships there will be bumps in learning about each other and how to communicate. If he's responding well to the growth of your relationship then you should be fine.
It all boils down to someone treating you well and being serious about making it work - that is commitment based, not experience dependent at all. Prior to me, my boyfriend hadn't been in a real, serious relationship before. I'd never really been in a relationship either and we were both in grad school- it wasn't that anything was wrong with either of us, it just hadn't been something we'd wanted to pursue until we met each other. Things went s l o w l y in terms of commitment. We'd been seeing each other for about eight months before we really made it official.
But we weren't looking for a relationship when we met, so that was part of it. We were patient in getting to know each other and took a lot of time to decide what we wanted. We've been together for two years and now live together. It's been great- we haven't had any of the problems other people have listed. We may have been inexperienced in romantic relationships, but we're still twenty-something adults.
Lack of relationship experience doesn't make you emotionally stunted. On the contrary, I think as adults, we are the norm.
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We're not any better adjusted than anyone else our age. I was my husband's first proper girlfriend when we got together he was 27 and had only had a couple of flings before me. Like you I wondered if I needed to be worried but in my experience the lack of relationship experience hadn't really been an issue. Basically a lack of relationship history doesn't automatically mean you're an idiot with no idea how to communicate, balance a relationship with the rest of your life or how to relate to a romantic partner.
Hell, my previous partners were way worse at that stuff than my husband is.
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So don't make assumptions about your new SO based on that. The only thing I think is a bit weird is that he's never had his heart broken. Which I occasionally tease him about "do you even understand what this song is about?! You'll never get the full depths of what Taylor Swift is singing about! I've never been in a relationship to get my heart broken like that , but i do rock out to Taylor Swift because she is my girl and she is the best.
Side note, just because he wasn't ever in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean he didn't have his heart hurt ever.
This answers is this thread thread are odd. Lack of relationships does not equate to a lack of conversational skills and social skills. Being a good partner is pretty much just common sense on how to treat another human being. But yeah - what's the usual relationship advice? Communicate well, be considerate, and don't be a lying cheating sack of shit? No one would want to be friends or work with a rude, "you should be able to read my mind", lying cheating sack of shit. I don't have any long term, serious relationship experience.
However, I'm a great conversationalist in my opinion and a very compassionate, empathetic person. I'm also really laid back and don't get stressed very easily so maybe that has a factor in it as well. Great points up until your conclusion in the last paragraph. Lots of people with plenty of relationship experience are terrible at consoling their partners, because they're clueless or selfish or whatever else, and because there's no one right way people would like to be treated anyhow.
Let empathy and compassion be your guide, and like people said to BlackMathNerd above, don't be afraid to ask what a partner needs and wants from you. There are people who have had counselling training who feel utterly awkward consoling someone in severe emotional stress. How many times does one help at a meltdown in a lifetime? I don't see difference in relationship skills vs. I'm my husband's first relationship. He's commented how he doesn't do anything out of the ordinary and surprised how easy it is to keep me happy. Just don't be an asshole or stress out about being a noob.
When my boyfriend and I started dating, I was his first serious girlfriend. I had no reservations about him at all, so I didn't make any. If anything I was able to help him with some things that he struggled with and our relationship grew even stronger. If you aren't worried, then don't give yourself a reason to be. Is he acting like a good boyfriend? If not, I'd have dumped him. The same criteria that guys who have had past relationships before are also held to. I have been with that guy for three years and hope to marry him one day. In all honesty, he is the most loving, caring, kindest person I know.
Hands down the best guy I've dated. Do not fall into the line of thinking that there MUST be something wrong with him if he's never had a girlfriend. Maybe he's always been shy. Maybe he never found the right girl and chose not to settle. Maybe he's tried, but has been rejected. Maybe he fears rejection too much. There are a lot of things that could explain it, aside from the negative.
I think that what is important is not how many relationships they've had, but how they treat people in general. If they are kind to family, friends, strangers, then he will treat you well also. Relationships don't come with a how to manual. Each one comes with new learning experiences for both people involved. When you love someone, treating them well and caring for them come naturally. Having been in his position, I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 21, I know what he's probably going through is more anxiety than you are.
He's probably worried about messing up, about doing things right. Minimal to no experience doesn't necessarily mean that they are a bad partner to have, and it doesn't mean that it was always their fault when it comes to having been in a serious relationship. Some people are really serious about who they date and don't want to put in effort with someone they don't see themselves lasting with. Or in my case, growing up in a very rural area, the good men that are date-able are few and far between.
It just never happened for me until I was well out of high school. Don't automatically assume it's a red flag. Everyone has a first serious relationship at some point, just for some of us it is a bit later than others. That he doesn't know how to accommodate a relationship alongside other aspects of his life and that he won't know how to interpret emotions or communicate well.
Also that he will be clueless as to how a successful relationship functions from the inside. These were a bit of a challenge when my SO and I first got together, but it was nothing insurmountable. Not sure I follow what you me by "from the inside". Are you referring to how things work beyond first appearance? Like you're unsure hell pick up on nuances in communication?
Well, what I meant is that someone might, for example, recognize that their parents have a great, happy, healthy relationship, but having never been in a relationship themselves, they might not realize how much work goes into that relationship or they might not have witnessed all the little elements that keep it running smoothly. He's with me just because he wants to fuck something female or, more charitably, because he wants someone female to listen to him and sympathize with him. This will make for a rockier relationship up front than if it were a more experienced guy because the inexperienced guy will have more confusion about how common my good traits are and how breakup-worthy my bad traits are.
Oh, and there's also the possibility of 3 he's got some major damage read: However, I look out for that in every relationship and I don't think it's unique to men who haven't been in relationships, though the specific type of damage may vary. Rough relationships and breakups can give people hang-ups too. To leave things on a positive note, this is what I would look FOR in a man who hasn't been in a relationship. If he's STEM, can he get along with humanities people? Educated, with less-educated people? With people from different races and ethnicities? With women, and not just attractive young women?
Can he learn and adapt, or does he try to force himself into behaviors and feelings he thinks he's "supposed" to have? NOT always back down and let me win arguments that's a recipe for a major fight in 6 months to a year. NOT always demand to win himself. And although it is good to ask questions like this post when you are going against what "society tells you", always trust your own judgment, not the rest of us dumbasses: That he's going to be clingy or jealous or shit at communicating and managing his emotions in the context of a relationship.
Also that he has unreasonable expectations for what a relationship should look like.
Also, that even if we get past that, if I find what I know I need in the relationship based on my experience, that they will end things so that they can have more experience outside of me. This is my biggest fear as a guy who has only had one relationship 4 months in high school 4 years ago?
I think I'm now a junior in college and worried about sucking at relationships because I have no clue how I would act in one since the one in high school was your typical high school one i. If it helps, my current bf never dated before we got together besides a short stupid high school thing. We started dating senior year college. He's the best boyfriend i've ever had by far! I kind of appreciated that he was very cautious before committing to a girl me. He said he's liked girls in the past, or girls have liked him, but those either didn't work out or he wasn't feeling it.
I think age has a lot to do with whether i'd be concerned or not. If they are in their late 20s early 30s, i'd be a bit suspicious. But younger than that? Not a big deal!! For reference, I'm New episodes every Saturday. Search titles only Posted by Member: Separate names with a comma. Search this thread only Search this forum only Display results as threads. Does it matter to women if a guy has never been in a relationship before? Oct 10, 1. TheDarkKnight , Oct 10, Sep 2, Messages: Oct 11, 2.
Depends on the woman. Some prefer men to have some experience, while others don't mind things like that. Oct 11, 3. TheDarkKnight , Oct 11, Oct 11, 4. Good rule of thumb: Oct 11, 5. Oct 11, 6. You have to start somewhere. Don't look at the mirror and focus on your imperfections, generally only you can see those little things. My feelings about my situation are a little better than they used to be but I still have days where I get very upset and down on myself about it all.
I find myself in a Catch, I'm depressed because I'm a virgin and I've never had a girlfriend, and a virgin who has never had a girlfriend because I am depressed. Seeing my friends with their girlfriends kills me sometimes. I often think "Why can't I have someone in my life? Then I have days where I think I should just give up on women and go join the priesthood and live the rest of my life in celibacy. It must be really tough being in an area where there just aren't the women to meet in the first place. Maybe if you do move then your will have different opportunities to meet women.
It is wonderful you were able to share how you felt with your friend. He obviously gave you some wise words. Yes, it may have been a wonderful experience for you, but I don't think you have felt any sensation of LOVE that was real from the lady. There are those of us who are married and no longer have sex for one reason or another. That is tough as well. It must be tough seeing your friends with their girlfriends. Do you find it hard to chat with these women as well? Maybe you could try and have conversations with them and see how you go. It might help to build up your confidence. I am a similar aged female, with some sexual experiance, but I wouldn't consider a guys sexual experiences before dating them.
I think for most girls interested in long term relationships at our age I have never asked about someone's experiance before dating them, or even going further, it would only come up as part of a safe sex talk or conversation about ex's. I would suggest that it is hard for lots of people to find partners, especially shift workers and people who don't like to drink to socialise. Keep looking, female friends can help build confidence and introduce you to more woman as well, and taking it slow is great too!
Hi I have had the same experiences at you did and it really is a place that you don't want to be. If you have a job where you can talk to girls that helps. If you don't not to worry having a girl as a friend is a great way to hook up because they might help you with it, it's as if she was like your best mate and he helps you out.
Think positive and say to yourself it doesn't matter if this girl doesn't like you I'll try the next girl, thinking of asking multiple women too is a good idea also. Sex is not the most important thing in the world if she is experienced at sex she will look after you so finding woman with experience is great also.
I fully relate to what your going through, t I understand that your feeling highly upset and tormented about your situation, depressed and broken- its a horrible reality for you to live with. In my opinion being super nice and being mr nice to women does not tend to spark romantic interest. The one tip I have heard consistently from guys I know that have had a fair bit of success with women is: Of course you may say that's impossible because of your life experience, you have to sort of talk yourself up a bit in your mind, and hide any massive insecurities that you may have: You can fall into the trap of caring TOO MUCH about every women you meet thinks about you, worrying too much about if you embarrass yourself or make a mistake, you need to think, "I am a good guy, if any given woman doesn't like me , not my problem".
Also as people have mentioned, it is important that you present yourself the best you can, and are clean, well groomed etc. Preferably your house or where you live should be be clean and well presented as well. Research more on this, step out of your comfort zone, makes changes, move to another area, whatever it takes. This is obviously important to you, so I hope you can get up and take action, don't let another 5 years slip you bye! Let me ask you a question If you wanted to be a dentist, what would you do? If you wanted to have the self confidence to go out there and meet someone special, have a lovely evening, maybe get romantic?
It's a no-brainer, isn't it?
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You would open up Mr Google and find out how and where to go to learn how to do it, right? There are people out there who can teach you and me to do anything! To fly a helicopter or to attract the attention of the fairer sex. Type in something like "How to become a chick magnet" or "How to be smooth and be swamped by young women". You'll find a lot of ridiculous sites and advice. Ignore the silliest ones, but follow your gut and try some of the better sounding ideas. Learn how to be the person you want to be. It will take some determination and a lot of hard work, but you can do it if you really want to.
Just don't give up. You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, deeply involved in life and loved by a special person. Please give it a go, and keep us informed how you go. When I was 18 my Psychologist told me that you attract who you think you deserve, I didn't like him saying that. When I read our description of yourself, there were many things that are deserving, would be a good read on a dating thing, I think being just you and confident that others will find all the good bits would make you just what some girl is looking for.
For me it has taken practice, being confident and not being embarrassed about my oddities. I practiced it in the supermarket, in the car, at work, everywhere really. Then one day I met someone at the supermarket at lunchtime, we were both reaching for the last tub of Lemon Yoghurt, I suggested sharing, and we did, we talked over lunch and that was all it took.
One thing I have noticed is that no-one has cared that I am awkward or inexperienced, if they like me they enjoy it regardless. I have worked in aged care, let me say, it is never too late. Start with friendship and see what happens next. Im about the same age and I am in the same situation. I have never had a girlfriend,kissed a girl or had any sort of experience with a girl. At first I thought it didn't bother me at all but in the last couple of years its began to bother me deeply. It doesn't help when a lot of the people you know are in fairly committed relationships and you're still single and it sure does make me feel inadequate compared to others.
Dear Semiconductor, I would like to question some of what you said. Apologies if some of this is hard-hitting or offensive. I have an argumentative style. I mean well for you.
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This probably flies in the face of of science, statistics, etc but I question the idea that any human being is "fixed" in any way, e. Maybe you haven't found the right set of friends and associates yet, who would bring our your sociable side. Why is it so important for you to be with someone? How do you know that being with someone would make you feel better? And that something completely outside that category wouldn't? How do you know the right kind of situation and person wouldn't make you re-consider?
And that a one-night stand might turn into a relationship? That hookups might not be cheap, but valuable learning experiences, which add to your future relationships? Female colleagues or acquaintances? The women in your life who aren't ever going to be your girlfriend? Have you scientifically studied "most girls"?
You're in a small mining town where you feel isolated from people. How do you know that, given a different situation, with a group or even just one friend who loves you, and you feel comfortable with, you wouldn't have an easy and fun time partying it up?
I achieved incredible things during the something years that I was a virgin. I look back and feel completely proud of myself, and wouldn't change a single thing, including the virginity. I hope you will feel that way, someday. I may elaborate further on my experiences in a future reply. It's not easy for everyone. What comes naturally to some must be learned by others.
Being in a mining town, I know you have very limited opportunities to meet someone. What you can do is personal development. There are a number of sites that help build confidence, one in particular, is the MenProvement Podcast. It aims to help men be the best they can be in all aspects of life dating, financial, grooming, diet, exercise etc. One podcast presented the dating issue in another way, having fun.
That is the aim. When you are full of confidence, zest for life, fun you have plenty to share and that is infectious partners pick up on this and want to spend time with somone that is having so much fun. It takes time, but personal development is a journey and hopefully leads to an enjoyable destination. Good luck on your journey. You will make some woman very happy one day. I watched a dating show once and the 'coach' advised the 'student' to go to bars to pull chicks.
I got so angry I am very passionate sometimes please know that your innocence and purity is a gift that you could even give to your wife she would love it! I have girl friends like the guys mentioned here that get around and that is fine if that is what you want. In the meantime be patient. All the different animals and landscapes. Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.
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