Online dating what are you looking for

I met my husband online but in that time before all of the dating sites broke through. We literally met in an AOL chatroom remember those? I used to sit in a chat room and watch the scrolling conversation go by for sheer entertainment value. This was common, but I used to throw off the guys who were interested in me by asking them to answer weird ass questions if you were a color, what color would you be and why? To all 23 questions I came up with. He thought that I was interesting and we met two days later. Please and thank you, I have a mortgage to pay.

Thank you to everyone who has written a comment and of course to our wonderful CA, for her on point advice! More power to us all!! Man this is such good advice. Thank you for asking it! Captain, that is the best answer ever. My advice is to not spend a lot of time perfecting your profile. Let it be fluid, your real voice and your authentic self, even if that means god forbid! When you have time to peruse the site, spend it looking at profiles and messaging people YOU find interesting. Gotsta have the feels for my partners. Physical holes were being filled, not emotional ones, and damn did I want something real.

I learned to identify this as a sign that they were just out to fuck around because to a T, they would always be the ones to space out on dates or ghost post-sex. By virtue of that question these men became The Unworthy. I thought there was something I was doing to prompt it, and so I thought I could do something to change it.

I would have been far better off had I spent that time doing stuff that makes me happy or really just.

6 Things to Look Out For When Online Dating - One Love Foundation

The Unworthy is why I could never stand to do online dating in the first place. It almost made me want to fill out one myself except uh, see above. Also, I was only on it for a short period of time because I wound up clicking with the first dude I actually went out with. I have to agree that internet dating or any kind of dating when your confidence is already being battered can feel like a step too far. IME the vast majority of people who visited my profile would pass on by without sending pointless ill-matched messages, when I had a quick summary of myself and what I wanted in the first 3 lines.

It seemed like all but The Extremely Unworthy would at least skim-read those first few lines, and instead message someone who was actually what they were looking for. And I got some really great well-matched messages, and a vast reduction in The Unworthy. Thanks for this, I feel uplifted. Good luck LW, stay true. Just so you know, there is a lot A LOT!

Said preferences may be indicative of classism or ableism, or many kinds of other -isms, that we have always had bubbling below the surface. This kind of interrogation is good to do for a lot of reasons, but please try to keep it separate from this aspect of your dating life for a while.

It just occurred to me that one way the Captain makes this work is by being really, REALLY upfront about one of the primary ways she herself differs from the Supermodel Standard before listing a couple of her own dealbreakers. I was trying to humorously give dudes permission to like what they like but to not me about their feelings about fat chicks. Awkward wrote to me even though he was a smoker since quit and we liked each other fine and worked it out. I personally would not want to be dated by someone who had really nobly struggled with their initial desire not to date me, decolonized their desires, and at long last have rendered themselves pure in the forty fountains of discourse and arrived to claim my hand.

It certainly seems like you do and maybe directness would suit your goals better. I was not trying to critique, indirectly or otherwise. I wrote my comment because when I was trying to write my own dating profile, I had read a lot of the existing discourse on attraction and various -isms thereof. So I had to do a lot of thinking. For instance I knew I wanted to date someone who was a big reader like myself. But I also had to remind myself that being a big reader was something I could be because I was well-educated and given a lot of support for my reading, which not everyone gets.

But after I sat with it a while I decided that even though I know that someone can be intellectually curious and passionate about other humans and their stories without specifically reading about it, I still wanted the particular experience of having a partner who would go to the bookstore with me and sit on the couch with me to read. So I put it in my profile, and now my partner is a big reader too. In other words having done that reading and thinking does not mean you have to stop having preferences, it just means thinking about those preferences is a good thing to do.

Yeah, looking back I think I actually read your perspective from the opposite point of view as what you were saying. I really agree with you.

Swipe with some game!

Captain, love the person spec! Particularly the married guy paragraph. Especially if you only date women my age. I think they may just be asking about your exclusivity policy though. Am I the only person who hates this question so much that I usually stop the conversation right there? You can write a gorgeous essay of all of your must-haves and dealbreakers and guys will still ignore it.

Yes, a few brave, perceptive souls will choose to both listen and hear you, but they can generally be counted on to continue listening to and hearing you even if you decline to answer this particular question. Another one that makes me skeeve: The handful of actual messages I got were, count them, five. The only date I got from OkCupid in almost nine months.

When he asks you : what are you looking for ?

I had the exact same problem or maybe exact inverse, with the same outcome? That said, the handful of people who did respond to my messages actually did read my profile; what I found so odd was that the people with whom I set up dates seemed really enthusiastic before bailing. Yet I know that the sites work fine for various people because I personally know plenty of people of various genders and orientations who have gone on lots of dates using them. Etc you might want to Google yourself? You might be sharing a first and last name with some Unsavory Character.

Also it makes people use the site a little more actively, rather than passively waiting around for messages. And then when you do like or message someone, there is very little chance that you will hear back since they have to do the same thing. This is fantastic advice!! And what I thought I wanted changed the more I met people, talked with people, or the crazy, weird and fascinatingly complex online dating messages I got. He was intelligent, articulate and specific about what he was looking for.

He had actually read my profile and messaged me accordingly. He actually listened, how great is that?! There is no Mr. I found someone who is willing to work at it too.

Figure out what you want. Be willing to pass and pass early.


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I learned to finally agree with the guys who said that I was expecting too much and would never find it. I would then tell them that, yes, I was expecting a miracle or I was remaining single. Guys who are already trying to bring down your expectations after asking about them are not worth a second date.


  1. example dating headlines;
  2. Topic: When he asks you : what are you looking for ?;
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  4. I think I need to reread this about a hundred times if I ever decide to give dating a try again. Unfortunately that seems to be a fairly niche interest, and I suspect that most people who want the same are similarly discouraged by dating sites. Except for the trans part, I could have written this message. As an asexual, very overweight, and homosexual woman, I really understand where you are coming from and most of the time wish for the same thing.

    I think many asexuals have given up. I know I am almost there. In other words, yeah, I agree. I think I just had a grad-school meltdown. The grad school emotional chaos is real! You can be totally honest and upfront about who you are and what you want, and you should be. This was my general assumption, extended to also cover those dudes who try to convince you polyamory means they get to have six girlfriends who are all only allowed to date or sleep with the one dude.

    She joked about cheating on one friend with another, and I joked back that if everyone involved knew about it and was fine with it, was it really cheating? Ultimately ended up engaged to this guy who was right in front of me the whole time, I just needed to get out of my own way. I am totally stealing all of this! That was such an awesome dating profile. That sort of thing seems to have fallen out of favor now, but I still use that much personality in cover letters and interactions with customers, et al. YMMV depending on your level of show-offy-ness, but there are correlations for every type of person, position, and preference.

    You can absolutely apply the same principles to jobs and partners. Huh, I read that profile just the other day. So, what if you said: Has anyone else here had this experience? What do you think women mean when they're asking "Why are you here? Share Share this post on Digg Del. Originally Posted by galaxyman. Ah, the interview questions. Shut down the interview by diffusing with humor. Often, they will forget the original question. So tell them you are looking for signs of intelligent life, or aliens. Or tell them you are there for the free sandwiches.

    When they ask, "What do you look for in a woman", say, "A pulse Because I haven't met anyone I want to commit to yet and for some reason the men I meet day to day are unsuitable so I thought I would give this a try. That is my answer What are you looking for is usually the next one. Originally Posted by Redhead They are asking what your dating goal is -- long-term committed or casual relationship. You don't change your dating goals according to the person you are dating.

    If you are looking for a relationship and the other person isn't, you move on or vice versa. If you are looking for a relationship and you date a woman you know for sure wouldn't be a good long term candidate, you don't decide to just be casual with her while seeking other long-term candidates. That's about keeping a woman on the back burner or stringing her along. If both parties are on the same page in terms of overall dating goal, great. If not, move on. Both are looking for casual or both are looking for relationship.

    When I get asked this, I just say ultimately I am looking for a more serious relationship, but with the right person, I'm not in a big rush. Guys seem to respond well to that. If anything, I seem to attract more guys who are in a big hurry to get into something serious with someone, anyone, which I find a big turn off.

    The former implies that there is something wrong with being on a dating site but considering the other person is there too, it's seems obnoxious to ask. The latter is more of an are we on the same page hook up v ltr? At which point I'd be open to stating my dating goal. Originally Posted by d0nnivain. I'd always be honest but give whatever I say a positive spin. Then I'd ask the same question back.

    Advice. Staircase Wit. Faux Pas. Movies.

    I know why people ask that. It's better to know what the person wants so you don't waste your time flogging a dead horse. I'm male, if it isn't made clear on a profile, I always ask.